Self-Care as Letting Go
In the midst of a long journey to a second pregnancy when I was in and out of doctor’s offices and acupuncture visits and staring at a pile of books on fertility and wellness that came highly recommended from trusted companions, I penned the poem above during my morning prayer time.
The line, “I am not a puzzle to be solved, a series of data to be sorted” found its way into my thoughts the night before and refused to let me go. As I pondered this truth, I then began to ask, “If I’m not a puzzle or a series of data, if I’m not blood test results, how much I weigh, hormonal levels, or what I eat, then what or who am I?”
Creating space for my morning prayer time allowed me to center on my human being-ness and therefore on my true nature, which is that of love. I, along with all other created beings, get to claim beloved-ness as my birthright, as my reality. We, as the creations of Love, get to bask in the freedom love offers, in the mercy love bestows.
Once I was able to grasp the truth of my human-being-love-ness, I was able to more readily accept the present journey upon which I found myself. I wanted to be pregnant, and I wasn’t. I wanted to be able to make it happen, and I couldn’t.
Thus began a journey of self-care that had more to do with relinquishing the illusion of control than it did with taking care of myself in physical ways. I’d been practicing joyful exercising, resting, and eating for many years, so my self-care journey shifted into the spiritual realm, linking spirituality and self-care together in ways that birthed something unimaginable to me at the time—an unabashed trust in Mystery.
Hence, the following questions emerged on my journey of letting go in response to the lies I was telling myself. The lies were never eradicated in one fell swoop; rather, they always required time and attention to truly upend their power, gently, yet forcefully sending them on their way. Contemplating these questions became my embodiment of my true nature, my embodiment of love.
My hope is that wherever you find yourself in this season of life—flourishing in abundance, dancing in despair, holding broken pieces of a still breaking heart—that these questions might also serve as antidotes to your own lies and that all of us, together, might trust in the healing our human-being-love-ness allows.
COMMUNITY: Who are my people? vs. I am in this alone, and it’s all up to me.
CELEBRATION: What brings me joy? vs. Joy is something reserved for the naïve and privileged among us.
COMPASSION: What is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now? vs. Loving myself is too easy; doesn’t it have to be hard?
CREATION: Where are my sacred spaces? vs. I don’t have the time to create sacred space.
Spend some time contemplating these questions. See what emerges and what might change as a result of asking them.
Finally, dear hearts, I leave you with what I say to my daughter (our second child who joined us earth side September 5, 2019) every night: You are held. You are loved. Always and forever.
