A Mother’s Day Message For Those Who Grieve
What I’ve learned from my own journey following the loss of my mother in 2018 is that grief is unpredictable. Days you imagine will trigger intense emotions may surprisingly bring feelings of connection with your loved one, and vice versa. I have found Mother’s Day to be the most difficult holiday for me in these past six years, a day I thought would bring me peace in celebrating what a wonderful mother I was lucky enough to have. I recently found out the history of this day, which has helped me understand my own experience with the holiday more.
A woman named Anna Jarvis founded Mother's Day in honor of her mom, who died on the second Sunday of May in 1905. They held the first memorial in 1907 on the second Sunday of May in West Virginia. At this memorial, Anna handed out hundreds of white carnations, her mother's favorite flower, to the mothers who attended.
The first formal Mother's Day was held a year later in 1908 on the second Sunday of May in West Virginia and Philadelphia, where Anna unveiled her vision for Mother's Day - a private acknowledgement for all that moms do for their families. Anna’s motto for Mother's Day was “For the Best Mother who Ever Lived-Your Mother.” Finally, in 1914, after persistent lobbying from Anna, President Woodrow Wilson declared Mother's Day as a national holiday. (More information can be found on the @motherlessdaughtersau Instagram account). Years later, Anna then began fighting against the commercialization of the holiday, especially by politicians, the greeting card industry, and retailers.
I find myself relating to Anna. I have so many rituals and special activities I do to honor my mom. I can imagine how difficult it would be to share these days with the world and then have something so vulnerable become capitalized. Luckily, the idea that it is a day to appreciate all that mothers do remains at the core of this holiday.
Here are some things I have found helpful in navigating this holiday as someone who lost their mom, just like Anna:
Understand your triggers- Being bombarded by mother’s day advertisements and displays in stores overwhelms me. Some companies, such as Jeni’s Ice Cream, will offer the option to opt out of Mother’s day-related emails. I also tend to utilize more of the store pick-up options!
Find your own ritual/routine to honor your Mother- Whether it’s with your family or on your own, finding ways to honor your mom can be helpful. It could be as simple as turning on her favorite music or picking up a bouquet of her favorite flowers. If it’s accessible to you, carving out time for this can be healing and connecting.
Remind yourself that your feelings are valid- Whether you experience grief or joy, anger or comfort, sadness or serenity, you are allowed to feel whatever is present for you. Express them in whatever way feels safest.
Do what you need to take care of yourself- Watch a cozy movie day on the couch. Take yourself out to eat a nice meal or for a treat. Journal. Meditate. Move your body. Or even just make sure you are drinking water. See if you can find things that you know help manage unpleasant emotions and overwhelm to navigate the day.
No matter if this is your first Mother’s day without your mother, or your 40th, remember that whatever comes up for you around or on this day is okay. Mothers are the most incredible superheroes we have — creating and bringing life into the world (and honestly, they deserve much more than one day). The loss of a mother, your superhero, can be devastating. So it makes sense that a day where everyone else gets to celebrate with theirs is hard for those who have lost a mom, have a strained relationship with their mom, or are disconnected in any other way. This is a great example of the both/ands we talk about in therapy- we can both be happy that a day like this exists to recognize the significance of mothers in our world AND be heartbroken that you don’t get to tell yours, “Happy Mother’s Day”. In the words of Andrew Garfield, “Grief is the unexpressed love we didn’t get to share.” I hope you all get to express that love this Mother’s Day.
